tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3595356793273262332024-03-04T22:40:50.566-08:00I am leaving, but the fighter still remains Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-12895917473309400982021-07-15T12:01:00.007-07:002021-07-15T12:20:08.024-07:00Those are not your thoughts<p> Those thoughts. They are not yours. The ones that tell you that you are not enough. The ones that tell you that you are unloved. The ones that tell you that you are not worthy. Those thoughts are not your own. </p><p>The thoughts that have been put into your mind by others. They are not your thoughts. They were spoken over you by someone else and you absorbed them and believed that they were true. They are not your thoughts.</p><p>The ones who said you were ugly. The ones who said that you were fat. The ones who said you weren't Christian enough. The ones who said that you will never be a singer. The ones who said your voice was too high. The ones who said that theatre isn't your calling. The ones who said that you were lazy. The ones who said that you weren't a good mom. The ones who said they didn't think you were capable of succeeding. The ones who said that you wouldn't be a good leader because of your personality type.</p><p>Those are not your thoughts.</p><p><br /></p><p> All of those thoughts. They do not matter. They are wrong. They didn't come from you. They didn't come from your creator. </p><p><br /></p><p>Abba. Your father. His thoughts matter. </p><p>He says that you are worthy.</p><p>He says that you are beautiful. </p><p>He says that you are the temple in which He dwells.</p><p>He says that you are a pearl of great price. </p><p>He says that he made you exactly as He meant to. He did not make a mistake.</p><p>He says you are a leader. </p><p>He says you are gifted in many areas. </p><p>He says that you are anointed.</p><p>He says that you are successful.</p><p>He says that you are a hard worker.</p><p>He says that you are highly intelligent.</p><p>He says that you are a great mom.</p><p>He says that you are loved. </p><p>He says that you are worth taking care of.</p><p><br /></p><p>Listen to the thoughts of the Father. They are the only correct thoughts. No more believing lies. </p><p><br /></p><p>Watch your thoughts; they become words</p><p>Watch your words; they become actions</p><p>Watch your actions; they become habits</p><p>Watch your habits; they become character</p><p>Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.</p><p><br /></p><p>Oh be careful little mouths what you say. </p><p><br /></p>Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-65989084636889339372021-07-15T11:34:00.000-07:002021-07-15T11:34:01.625-07:00All of the PiecesBe still.<br />
He is God.<br />
Yahweh.<br />
There is no other.<br />
He loves.<br />
He gives.<br />
He is worthy.<br />
<br />
All of the pieces<br />
Are all made to fit<br />He tells the truth<div>He promises</div><div>He provides</div><div>He fulfills</div><div>Jireh.</div>Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-30142803252470504022019-01-06T19:30:00.003-08:002019-01-06T19:38:26.037-08:00Thoughts on the eve of 6<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Thoughts on the eve of 6</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br />
1. God is in the waiting. He's in it, He's in it, He's in it. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">2. Patient is hard. Waiting is hard. Removal of the old, gross things is hard. You do your work and let Him do His. You will be tested, you will be tempted. Your old issues may try to flare up again and smack you in the face. Sometimes you will feel like a fog is in your brain. You must fight. If you fall down, and you might, GET UP. God is still God and He loves you. Take His hand and GET UP. This is the stuff of life. GET UP. CHIN UP. MOVE FORWARD.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">3. People are still people. Careful. "A cover is not the book so open it up and take a look. It's under the covers that one discovers that the king may be a crook. Chapter titles are like signs and if you read between the lines you'll find your first impression was mistook. For a cover is nice but a cover is not the book." - Mary Poppins Returns</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">4. Middle schoolers will make you cry. Curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor cry. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">5. My favorite part of the holidays is when it's over. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">6. That candle isn't even lit unless I light it. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> "I move forward by Your grace. Shame and sorrow have no place. I move forward toward the light. For it lit up my darkest night."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> - Danelle Eckhart</span></div>
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-64832014971561913842018-01-16T18:01:00.004-08:002018-01-18T08:34:31.555-08:00Own your story <div style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“Own your story”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 17pt;">I hear it multiple times a day. It’s a common theme these days. Look, I’m all for owning my story, and am owning it. Do I have more work to do? Of course. But that’s not why I’m writing this. I'm writing this because it isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Time doesn't make any of this easier.</span></div>
<div style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 17pt;">Owning your story actually has a catch. You see, sometimes I have to choose which story to own...the one that is ACTUALLY mine, or the one that other people ASSUME is mine. “Own your story so people can relate with you!” I hear that all of the time, and usually think, "Ok! I can do that! People will relate and I will be a helper!" But the other day </span><span style="font-size: 22.6667px;">I heard "Own your story" and for the first time it made me angry. I'm not normally super negative about my story, but for some reason it triggered me. I wanted to yell "I AM, AND IT SUCKS! PLEASE STOP ASKING ME TO OWN IT! WHEN DO I GET TO STOP?" The answer is never. Ouch.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 22.6667px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 22.6667px;">S</span><span style="font-size: 22.6667px;">ometimes, it's not as simple as just owning your story. </span><span style="font-size: 17pt;">In all actuality I have to weigh the lesser of two evils. If I tell my real story, there is automatic awkwardness, stammering, weird looks on faces and sometimes over-helping. Then comes the pity train, which is just awful. Anddd of course the V word - Vulnerability (my favorite and least favorite word all at the same time). If I let people think what they want, there is judgement. Often, that feels easier to swallow because I know what they think isn’t true and I can just walk away. How do I chose to own my story, yet protect my own sanity? There are far more consequences to owning the story than not. </span></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 17pt;">With either story comes assumptions, and to be honest, I get really tired of it. I’ve honestly thought about just wearing my wedding ring again so there aren’t questions. “Where is your husband?” could simply be answered with “Away on business.” I'm just tired, people. Tired sometimes of the grossly unfair BS that life sometimes gives us all in the name of "owning your story", or some other reason people give for why bad things happen. I envy the people who just get to do normal things. I know they have BS stuff too. Just let me think other people are normal for a brief moment. I know it's not true. </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 17pt;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I guess my point is that owning your story sometimes just... sucks. I know God asks us to. And I do. But it still... sucks. Even five years later. It's a broken record of owning it and it being awful at the same time. Fix it Jesus. </span></span></div>
Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-49338133170883755192016-09-25T09:25:00.000-07:002017-08-04T12:27:10.560-07:00Clarity on the idea of "letting go"<br />
I believe that our society is often confused by the idea of letting go. Letting go does not mean settling, nor does it mean giving up. It means letting go of what your life was, what you thought it might be and all of the things that were harmful to you in that portion of life. However, it does not mean giving up your dreams, or discontinuing work towards what you want your life to be.<br />
<br />
This is the problem with the philosophy of just "being" and letting life throw you what it will. Life will present what is good for you, but you have to work for it, so that you are ready when it comes. This is the part that many people miss, or where they jump ship. You see, working for it means doing some painful inner work so that you can "let go" of all of the junk that is weighing you down, and that is a far cry from settling. Often, it means doing physical work so that you can acquire experience and skills needed for the next level. More often than not, it requires spiritual, mental, emotional and physical work, and is the most difficult, yet most rewarding work of your life. Do you have the strength to dig deep and challenge all that you are in order to move to the next level?<br />
<br />
Let go, but refuse to settle.<br />
<br />
I believe that we are placed where we need to be, and that there are lessons that we must learn while there. Lessons are continually presented to us until we learn them, and will follow you no matter where you go, and dammit, learning them for the last time takes some grit. The beautiful thing is, once these lessons are learned, you suddenly see that they are stepping stone to the next level.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>In the clearing stands a boxer, </i><br />
<i>and a fighter by her trade </i><br />
<i>and she carries the reminders of every glove that laid her down or cut her </i><br />
<i>'til she cried out in her anger and her shame, </i><br />
<i>I am leaving, I am leaving the anger and shame</i><br />
<i>and you better believe that the </i><br />
<i>THE FIGHTER STILL REMAINS</i><br />
<br />
Stepping up with much love and clarity,<br />
<br />
D<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-68799823528561029752016-02-09T20:56:00.000-08:002016-02-09T20:56:29.538-08:00The Way BackThe way back is never what you think it will be<br />
It isn't magical and is not automatic<br />
It is worked for, it is bled for, it is exhausting<br />
It is a boxing ring inside of your head, but the opponents are both you<br />
Sometimes, it is one leap forward and then two leaps back<br />
<br />
The fighter inside won't let you quit, but there are days that you want to<br />
There are days that you don't want to keep moving forward, or be an adult at all<br />
But, you do<br />
<br />
It is not being sorry for who you have become<br />
It is being proud that you made it through hell, for you know that it is fire that cleanses and makes one malleable<br />
It is being shaped into someone better than you were before<br />
<br />
It is knowing that the way back is not about a destination<br />
It's about finding your path<br />
It's taking leaps forward and backward while following the signs<br />
It's recognizing when it's right and when it's not<br />
<br />
It's about doing the very best you can with what you have<br />
It is never going back to the past<br />
It isn't about the way back at all<br />
It's about living right now<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-52858559299790588922015-12-13T14:34:00.000-08:002015-12-13T14:38:40.979-08:00PocketsSometimes, there are small pockets of the past that we think have been put away for good. Having artfully dismissed their existence, we have learned to keep trudging forward. One day, we realize that those pockets of past have been present all along. Even though it had been filed away, it was never completely closed, resulting in bits and pieces floating around in the brains atmosphere. The pieces are so tiny that we don't notice at first. They are easily brushed aside by the swat of a hand, or swipe of a finger. Except, one day we look at our hand, and find that there is something on it that we haven't seen in a very long time. It is almost unfamiliar - until it all comes rushing back. There is familiarity. A sense of responsibility that calls us to take all of the things out of the pockets and examine them, piece by piece. As the pieces are being examined, a new sense of understanding begins to form, and we recognize that these pockets are who we are. The pieces begin to shift, changing shape, colors and sizes, coming together not into one piece, but into many separate, but yet strangely whole pieces. We examine them individually and see facets of each pocket we had once filed away, and we deal with them differently this time. We recognize them not only for their beauty, but for their purpose in moving us forward. Having realized that they only cluttered our minds before, we decide to leave them out this time, and to see what happens next.<br />
<br />
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-83031134949749439782015-10-31T13:25:00.002-07:002015-10-31T13:33:21.196-07:00Wait for itIt has been quite a while since my last post. It's high time that I give you an update. Since my last post, I started working at an amazing school as a music teacher. I do not believe in coincidences, and this job is no such coincidence. I'm not sure anyone understands the connections here, as I have not expressed much except to a select few. So here goes.<br />
<br />
There was a time, way back when I was working on my undergraduate degree, that myself and another student missed a deadline for taking the music content test, thereby delaying our student teaching for a semester. Therefore, having no classes left to take, I did nothing but work and hang with my kiddos for a semester. Again, not a coincidence for a few reasons. My son Noah was born in the thick of my undergraduate work and some tumultuous times in my life, therefore, I felt like I never had the chance to truly bond with him. This semester gave us the time together that he and I so desperately craved. My student teaching assignments were also changed. The high school that I was supposed to go to for half of the semester could not take me any longer, and I was placed elsewhere.<br />
<br />
The half of the semester that I was at the new high school was one of the most amazing times in my life. I met and was able to work with the choral director there, who became a mentor and friend. I also was able to work with the assistant principal on the musical, as he was the director.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to me getting my first job. The school was in the town was where I was supposed to student teach that first half of the semester, and to make matters even creepier, was the name of the school that I had student taught the second half of the semester (which I hated and cried at everyday). I quit that job after one year, as that was the year that Rob passed away and I received an offer for a full ride to graduate school.<br />
<br />
The next two years were filled with graduate school. I spent a lot of time with schoolwork of course, but also working through grief, and finding myself again. I had thoughts of quitting the teaching profession all together, and almost purchased a business. After a wrestle with a gut feeling, which I know to listen to, but wanted to listen to my head, I declined the offer to purchase. A few days later I randomly applied for a teaching job. It was beautifully easy to apply as they just wanted my resume and a cover letter, and not the nonsense form that you have to fill out for applications - which has all of the information your resume already has on it. Honestly, that was probably the only reason I applied. I was done filling out applications at the time and had thrown my hands in the air. Teaching had negative connotations to me as my first year was one of the worst years of my life- first year of teaching, and my husband died. Recipe for running away from anything - let alone a profession- at lightening speed.<br />
<br />
Wouldn't you know that I received a call the very next day asking for an interview. Surprise! Remember that high school you weren't supposed to be at in the first place and the people you met there? The assistant principal of that high school is now the principal at the one at which you are interviewing. Another surprise! Your name had been mentioned the night before in text messages between your mentor and he in the search for a music teacher.... before your application was even submitted.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, the interview went well. I am there now, and sometimes I forget that I have been placed there. No coincidence. I am still, and will probably always struggle in some way, but each day is a little more normal, and I am less afraid of my own genius. This is my biggest struggle right now - teacher fails, when I know better and could have prevented it. It is also, reminding myself that this is not the year of teaching that was so traumatic for my family, but a new, and better place and that my profession has nothing to do with what happened in my personal life. It may seem silly to anyone else, but the brain makes connections like this after trauma, and whether or not they are unfounded does not matter.<br />
<br />
As a side note, I read an article about finding happiness after loss the other day. I haven't been able to figure out why happiness still seems to avert me sometimes, and I realized that in the times when I am unhappy, it is because I am subconsciously trying to go back to my old life, a feat which just cannot occur. So what things change, and what things stay the same? Where is the balance? I'm working on it, and I'll let you know when I figure out.<br />
<br />
The real question is, if I could go back, would I really want to? That's a discussion for another day.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-75311889993534893342015-06-15T11:24:00.001-07:002015-06-15T11:27:48.613-07:00Wham BamMany of you know that I just returned from visiting my cousin in Hawaii. It was an amazing time, and was certainly a once in a lifetime experience. My time in Hawaii was filled with all of the things that we wanted to do while we were there, but was also a time for me to be alone (I went without the kids) and reflect. These last three years have been a whirlwind, and it is currently that time in my life that involves a lot of things changing very soon. So, some inner calm is certainly desirable. I felt the whole time that I was going to learn something while I was there. I am like that, I look for signs and meaning in everything, everywhere I go. I usually find it. It's funny because I half expected something to be "wham bam" in my face. But it didn't happen that way.<br />
<br />
There was a day when we went on a pontoon out to the sand bar. It was a going away party for my cousin's husband, who ironically couldn't be there. The captain of the pontoon brought a paddleboard with him which turned out to be the hit of the day with the kids. I decided to try my hand at it as well. I was told that it was difficult to paddleboard, due to keeping balance on a board on the water and paddling at the same time. Naturally, my determined self stood up on the board, got the paddle and began paddling. I felt like I was doing very well, and was comfortable on the board. All of a sudden I realized I could no longer hear the voices of anyone in our group... really no sound at all, except that of the ocean. I turned myself around, and was shocked at how far out I had paddled without even realizing it. I had a moment of panic as I saw how small the pontoon was on the horizon. I was on a small board in the middle of the ocean, with a paddle and no lifejacket. Thankfully, I was able to focus and calm myself and began paddling toward the pontoon/sand bar. This time, the water that so easily brought me out, was not so easy to paddle against. There were times when I felt I wasn't moving at all, and times when the water was shifting me another way. I paddled for quite sometime without getting very far. It was then that I heard an inner voice that said, "If you can't make it back on your own two feet, get down on your knees." I paddled standing up a few more times, because I am stubborn like that. Then I grinned, and lowered to my knees, (thank the powers that be for good balance) and situated myself. I began paddling. Let me tell you, it was so much easier and faster that way. It may seem silly to some, but I believe that this was my lesson while I was in paradise.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, we get out too far and can't find our way back on our own two feet. It is then that getting on our knees (aka praying) that bring us back easier and faster. Lesson learned. I'd still like a wham bam in my face sign with bright shiny flashing lights, but I've come to realize that it doesn't typically happen that way. Signs and meanings are subtle. You have to learn to listen, but listening is only the first step - it's the action that gets you there safely.<br />
<br />
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See that person way in the distance. That's me. And I hadn't turned around yet.Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-87006208642178011162015-05-14T12:06:00.003-07:002015-05-14T12:51:21.252-07:00Wikky wikkyHi ya'll.Today is a special day. This would have been my late husbands 40th birthday. Oh the party I was planning. He would have hated this birthday, but would have loved every second of the party with all of his greatest friends and family. Wave hello to him today and sing him a raucous happy birthday if you would.<br />
<br />
Today, I bring to you many things that have crossed my mind over the past few years, and especially over the last few months. For those of you that are not aware, I just completed graduate school. I graduated with two masters degrees and a hell of a GPA. I am very proud of all that I worked so hard for. In that time, I was able to start my healing process, because although graduate work is certainly difficult, school is my comfort zone - it is what I do and what I am good at. So going back to school served many purposes, to further my career and be able to provide more for my family as I am now the sole bread-winner, to do what I love in order to be able to get over many personal hurdles, and to provide a sense of stability after our world was turned upside down.<br />
<br />
Here is where it gets tricky. There are so many well-meaning people that <i>think</i> they know what I am thinking, what I am feeling, or what I deal with on a daily basis. Sadly, not many people know who I really am. I get a lot of head tilts with the sad. "How are you's". I know that some people think that I went to school to run and hide from what was going on in my life, and that now is the hard time because I have to be a "real" adult now. And that every decision that I make has everything to do with my broken heart, and that I somehow cannot be trusted to make a good decision because of what happened to me. Let's rewind for a minute. Errrrrrrtt. (that's the rewinding sound).<br />
<br />
1. I am a widow. But that does not define who I am. That is something that happened to me, but I am still me, and I am the same me that I have always been.<br />
2. I have always been driven. I have always been a high achiever when I really wanted something. This has nothing to do with the death of my husband. It has everything to do with how my creator made me.<br />
3. It is disrespectful to think that I would choose to do anything foolish because I am "distraught" in your opinion. Of course I miss Rob, and it has been horrible to have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. But I did it and will keep doing it.<br />
4. Please give credit where it is due, not by praising me for a job well done, but by trusting in my ability to make a "grown up" decision. I'm 32 and I have been living the "grown up" life for quite some time now, as well as going to school and kicking its tail. <br />
4. Just because you wouldn't or can't do something does not mean that I won't or can't. My life decisions are mine. If I want input I will ask. And even if I ask and you give it, it does not mean I will do what you want me to do. We all know that.<br />
5. My life isn't divided in a BC and AD timeline. Stop acting like it is. It is not the same of course, but is yours the same as it was yesterday? Please stop trying to define who I am personally by circumstances in my life beyond my control.<br />
6. I am not a child. I have children. I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a friend, I am many many other things. But I am NOT a child. Please do not treat me like one. Take off the white gloves.<br />
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I am definitely not saying that I want to forget what happened in my life. I never ever will, nor would I ever want to. What I am asking is for people to stop trying to put widows or others that have experienced loss in a bubble of "the poor widow that must weep all day long and can't fend for herself". I KNOW that I am not the only one that has ever felt this way after a loss. I <i>however</i> may be the only one with enough balls to voice it. If you take nothing else from this, please remember this - <i>People are still people no matter what life hands them, and deserve to be treated as people, and respected as such. </i><br />
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Life is beautiful, even after loss. It is. It is different. But different isn't always bad. At some point, everyone will have to deal with loss on some level. Just as the journey through loss progresses, <u>so should the treatment of that loss. </u><br />
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I love you all and am so glad to share my thoughts with you. I truly understand that people care, and want to help. I do. Trust me on that. I am as intuitive as it gets. I suppose I just want to tell you how it is on the other side, how it feels on my end sometimes, and that feeling boxed in or smothered is not a pleasant feeling. Being cognizant of how you approach people and what you say to them can make all the difference. Sometimes, a little hug and "I believe in you" goes a very, very long way.<br />
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Thank you for digging down to the nitty gritty of all that is so often overlooked in our society. If you could not already tell, my heart is for changing social injustices, and I believe the treatment and care of those who have lost loved ones is one such injustice.<br />
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Much love. What a long, strange trip it's been.<br />
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Danelle aka Ruby<br />
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-84322281924434360972015-05-03T15:17:00.001-07:002015-05-03T15:21:46.353-07:00It's not for youHelloo everybodyyyyy.<br />
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Let's talk about loving and supporting the people you love. No, I don't feel like writing right now. So when I'm ready to talk about the undeniable lack of support that only stems from peoples fear and insecurities which they then project onto me, then I will write further.<br />
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Until then, enjoy these memes and think about how you treat people you love. Do you try to control them? Do you think you know what's best for them always? Do you discourage anything that is outside of what you consider "normal" or "safe"? Do you always have something negative to say or a scowl on your face? If so, I pray that you find your inner peace. And I am here to tell you that we are done with you. All of us hoping that maybe, just this once you will be supportive of our life decisions and try to say something positive, no matter how you feel about it. I'm going to leave these here.<br />
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<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-77486204692181213412015-04-27T21:41:00.003-07:002015-04-27T21:41:47.994-07:00The "C" Word<span style="font-family: inherit;">Lately I have been thinking about that atrocious word that everyone hates to hear. The "c" word. You know what I'm talking about. Hearing it makes you cringe and open your mouth in disgusted reproach. I know. I used to hate it too. But lately it has become one of my favorite words in the English language. I believe it's even in the Urban Dictionary now. Here it is.. are you ready... click the "X" in the upper right hand corner of your screen if you don't want to read it. Ready.......set.... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">change. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know. It's evil. But let me tell you. Everything is going to be ok. Here are some lovely quotes to help ward of the body shakes you got from reading that no good, terrible word. </span><br />
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<br />"It is what it is"<br /><br />"What will be will be"<br /><br />"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." - Maya Angelou<br /><br />"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." - Lao Tzu<br /><br />"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" - Rienhold Niebuhr<br /><br /><br />
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<span style="line-height: 20px;">"Different each time they occur, the seasons cycle through our years, just as they do our love. A winter may be long and treacherous and seemingly never ending. Thus, comes the spring, to thaw the heart and soul, continuing the cycle. Summer may be scorching, only to suddenly halt to an early frost, falling of leaves and changing of colors… or, it may be languid, leading to a crisp and vivid fall of ones utmost desires. One never knows how and when the seasons will change, only that they eventually will. To survive the changes, we must learn to find and wring the seasons of all of their goodness, and to remember that no matter what, spring always arrives after winter."</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 20px;"> - Danelle Eckhart</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 20px;">And with that the shakes are gone. </span><br />
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<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-61904279783333044932015-03-26T09:47:00.002-07:002015-03-26T09:56:27.625-07:00Personal DayToday, I am struggling. And, because it is my goal to be open and honest about my journey, I have decided to post about it. I am yet again feeling overwhelmed, terrified, and unsure. It happens, and I'm here to tell you that it will pass, but how it will pass is up to me. So, I elected to take care of me today. I am here, and in my own little mind trying to figure everything out that is currently not figureoutable (new word of the day). You can imagine how that works - not very well. Instead of writing more about my struggle, because I have already done that, it's pretty much the same, I am going to post some things that I read today that are great food for thought and have helped me center. Enjoy, and remember that sometimes, you just have to take care of <i>you</i>.<br />
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<br /><a href="http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/03/forget-everythingand-remember-this/">Forget Everything…& Remember This.</a><br /><br /><br />via Alex Sandra Miles http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/03/forget-everythingand-remember-this/<br /><br /><br />"Everything that has happened along the way—forget it.<br /><br /><br />Forget about the first love that broke your heart.<br /><br /><br />And forget about the last break too.<br /><br /><br />Forget the time a friend you thought was best pushed a knife in your back.<br /><br /><br />Forget the words and the spite that resound in your head.<br /><br /><br />Forget the trauma that injured your flesh or your bones.<br /><br /><br />Forget the rejection you felt when someone failed to recognise your value.<br /><br /><br />Forget the tears that cleansed your soul.<br /><br /><br />Forget the mistakes that everyone makes.<br /><br /><br />Forget what you gave, without return.<br /><br /><br />Forget the mistrust, the resentment and the jealousy.<br /><br /><br />Forget about lies, betrayal and deceit.<br /><br /><br />Forget about the ones that got away—they were not meant.<br /><br /><br />Forget the time someone tripped you and caused a fall.<br /><br /><br />Forget the times you gambled but forgot you could lose.<br /><br /><br />Forget about whispers and gossips and stories—it is all an illusion, the truth only lives in one self.<br /><br /><br />Forget about rules and regulations—make new.<br /><br /><br />Forget about thinking—let the mind sit still.<br /><br /><br />Forget about time—let your heartbeat decide.<br /><br /><br />Forget about fear, it will paralyse—it is useless.<br /><br /><br />Forget about perfection, it is unobtainable—imperfection is true beauty.<br /><br /><br />And forget about forgetting—allow the release to happen. Naturally.<br /><br /><br />Then try as you can, to remember this…<br /><br /><br />Everything is already a part of you, the lessons have been learned, the memories etched and the effects have sunk in.<br /><br /><br />There is no need to hold on—it all already exists, so allow it. Let it just be. Without grasping.<br /><br /><br />Without pressing repeat.<br /><br /><br />It all had a purpose, once, long ago. Even if it was yesterday, or a minute ago—it has now passed. Past.<br /><br /><br />So just breathe…and breathe again. Deeply.<br /><br /><br />Right here, right now.<br /><br /><br />You are alive. You survived. In this very moment, this one… here…<br /><br /><br />You can choose. Choose to live.<br /><br /><br />Run. Fly. Wildly.<br /><br /><br />Begin again.<br /><br /><br />And begin to feel alive.<br /><br /><br />Feel.<br /><br /><br />Everything and nothing and all in between—feel it all. Flushing through your veins—let it in, let it sit and then let it go.<br /><br /><br />Slowly, but very surely, replace all of the forgotten with all of the new.<br /><br /><br />Add to it, mix to it, blend whoever you were, who you are now with who you are about to become.<br /><br /><br />Alchemy—turn it to gold. Turn you. It is easy. Try. All of you. Every part.<br /><br /><br />Stir the storms with the rainbows, the pleasure with the pain. Create.<br /><br /><br />Forget the old. Sprinkle in new.<br /><br /><br />Stardust. Magic. Wanderlust. Mystery. Moonlit skies. Forests. Deserts. Sparkle. Dance. Have faith. Go. Find. Don’t look far. It is there. It always was, always has been. Right there, right here. Right now.<br /><br />Be free.<br /><br /><br />And each time you are overwhelmed, or hurt, or angry or in pain—go back to the top, read once more, unlearn, forget and begin again."<br /><br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-16065442627511322342015-03-05T13:05:00.000-08:002015-03-05T13:05:13.466-08:00Beautiful, blessed beingsSo, here I sit, on my couch. My body and hair are clean, my hair is blown dry and is waiting to be primped. You see, I'm perfectly timing my day, because I have a performance this evening. This is a ritual for me, as I suffer from performance anxiety, so in order to cope, I learned what I should and should no do on performance day if I can at all help it. Relaxing at home is what I should do. Everything else is what I should not do. Luckily, I didn't have anything to do until my performance that evening, so my plan was to relax.<br />
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Now, let's just start by saying that the day began rather well. I woke up to snuggles with my beautiful baby boys (they would say. "Mom! We're not babies!" if they were reading this, but they're not, so I can say what I want). Got up and did my morning kitchen routine consisting of making coffee, popping popcorn (real, not microwaved) for my kids school snack, making my kids breakfast and making their lunches. It's actually a routine I don't mind. It gives my body a chance to wake up, and I actually enjoy the structure of it. I did my normal checking up on the boys to make sure they were indeed getting dressed and not sitting on the floor of their room, poking each other, or wrestling. They were not. They did a great job getting dressed and in fact received a reward from me (a quarter) for such a smooth morning - trust me it doesn't happen often. We went out to the garage and squeezed in to the car (our garage is muy small). Then, it happened. my car wouldn't start.<br />
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Refer to above notes on what I should and shouldn't do on performance days. This could have been very bad, very bad indeed. However, instead of panicking, I got out of my car, cleared all the obstacles that I could, and like a ninja squeeezeed through tiny spots between my car and the wall of my garage, and climbed on top of my car to get to the hood and my car charger ( I have one of the chargeable ones that you don't need another car for - great since I certainly couldn't fit another car in my garage!) One thing, the battery charger wasn't charged. Womp wah. Another opportunity for panic! Nope. I calmly plugged it in to charge, asked Joseph to get in my purse and hand me my phone. I called the school and said they'd be late, called Sleeping Beauty (my momma :)) and asked if she could take them to school. She of course said yes, like she always does. (Have I mentioned how much I love my mom. She rocks. )<br />
My mom came and got the kids in a jiffy, took them to school and on her way back called me and asked if I'd like to go to breakfast. I didn't want to exit my house as I still had pajamas on, so I said no, but I would be happy to make some if she'd like to come over but I needed some eggs. So, my lovely mother, went to the grocery store and picked me up eggs and an ever growing list of other things I needed while she was there. She's awesome. Did I mention that? We had a lovely breakfast of homemade waffles, turkey bacon, eggs and coffee and we chatted. I really enjoyed spending time with her and she even helped me clean up my kitchen mess!<br />
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Here's the deal kids. My life has been insane the last few years. Right now is a very pivotal time for me. I'm in my last semester of graduate school, so that means comprehensive exams (2 sets), a graduate recital and all of my other coursework. Not to mention applying for jobs, knowing we'll probably be moving this summer depending on where I get a job, and trying not to panic about the drastic change that my life is about to make.. again. I have struggled immensely, but I have also grown by leaps and bounds. Really, I have. I look back and think how something like my car not starting on a performance day would have wrecked me not too very long ago. Not so today. Maybe it is because I have become SO incredibly thankful for all that is good in my life, that the bad just seems like an opportunity for greatness to shine through. But the greatness did not shine through me, today it was through my mother. She truly blessed me today with her love and support. You see this is not something that is abnormal for her. She is constant. Always, always there when I need her. She knows intuitively when I need help, and she has my back at all times. Mothers are beautiful and blessed beings. And, guess what, I am so happy that my car didn't start today.Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-7469619301782755502014-10-06T09:29:00.004-07:002014-10-06T09:29:52.220-07:00The multi-faceted years of grief: Going deeper<div style="text-align: center;">
Many people have heard that the first year of loss is the worst. I disagree. I think that it is different than the first, but not necessarily the worst. Neither are good for that matter. </div>
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For this post, I will be examining the differences between the first and second year of grief from my perspective, so that any and all may try to understand some of the things that a grieving person goes through on a deeper level. </div>
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<u>Year One</u><br />
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<li>It is not okay to just assume that the bereaved are okay because they survived the first year. </li>
<li>That is what the first year is all about, learning to survive. </li>
<li>The body kicks into fight or flight response and the survivors do just that, survive, because they have <i>no other choice. </i></li>
<li>I bring this up because many people look at the bereaved and think they're okay because they seem to be handling their new life well, and they might smile sometimes in public. This is what you see, but may not necessarily be what occurs behind closed doors. </li>
<li>The bereaved may try to reinvent themselves because everything else in their life just drastically changed, so why not them too.</li>
<li>It is not just losing a loved one. It is everything that comes with it. Financial stability, a father or mother to the children, a companion and partner, help around the house etc. </li>
<li>Family dynamics also shift. Holidays and family gatherings are not the same. Family and friend relationships are not the same and some are lost. </li>
<li>People don't look at you the same. The look of pity is, in my opinion, one of the worst.</li>
<li>Every monumental date - holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc. are emotional and painful, and even if you have prepared yourself, you cannot prepare enough for the ache in your soul. </li>
<li>You learn to see the signs of your loved one still being present in some way in the world. You learn to listen to your gut, and if you haven't <i>start listening</i>! Hang on to it and keep your eyes open. You will need this skill more than you think down the road. </li>
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<u>Year Two</u></div>
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<li>By now, the bereaved is used to surviving on their own. But, let me make it clear that just because they are used to it, it does <i>not</i> in any way, shape or form make it easier. </li>
<li>The support from the first year is now mostly gone. People have gone back to their lives, and assume you're okay now, so the help dissipates. </li>
<li>It becomes increasingly more difficult to see other people be happy and move on with their lives. </li>
<li>Where there was hope the first year, there is a void in the second. </li>
<li>The reality that there are many items of the deceased that need to be given away or sold has to be dealt with. This is stressful, and no one wants to do it, or help with it. You're on your own.</li>
<li>It's like reopening a wound when getting rid of things that you're used to sitting around the house, but at some point logic has to take over. If it's not useful, and the kids, you or family members won't want it, then get rid of it. </li>
<li>The loneliness takes over at times. You are increasingly aware that you are alone in this world. You watch others find partners and be happy and you sit on the back-burner and wonder "why not me?"</li>
<li>You realize that you aren't open to a relationship and that answers the prior question.</li>
<li>Now comes the real struggle of the second year.... how do you once again become open and/or why would you want to?</li>
<li>You certainly don't have time to date with all of the added duties on your plate, after all, you are now mother and father of the household, you do it <i>all</i>. </li>
<li>Furthermore, you are pickier than you used to be because of the relationship you had with the deceased and you now have children that you must look out for. </li>
<li>It becomes increasingly important that you are wise with your decision of who you let into your life, because unlike before you had kids, there is no longer one person to look out for and make sure that the other person meshes with, there are three (in my case). </li>
<li>Because of all that is above, finding someone seems almost hopeless. By this time in your life most people are settled, and "all the good ones" taken. The old adage of "there are plenty of fish in the sea" is not applicable here. This meme amuses me to no end. It absolutely is <i>not</i> all about looks as this meme implies, but it is still how a widowed woman feels when trying to even comprehend dating again. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<li>You feel sad and unhappy some of the time, but feel like no one notices or cares anymore because it's just normal. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's not. Find someone to talk to, whether it be a friend, family member, doctor or counselor. You may have to be pickier about who you talk to about these things these days. There are some that just don't want to hear it anymore. That's okay, find someone who will listen <i>and</i> give good advice and no judgement. </li>
<li>Remember those signs I talked about earlier? You'll continue to see them. Take comfort in them. Listen to them, because they can be a guiding force and that is one of the biggest things you'll need the second year.</li>
<li>Guidance. Where do you go from here? How do you decide? You listen to your gut and you follow the signs. External forces can be your greatest asset in determining your future. </li>
<li>Reach deep down to the core of your soul and figure out what it's telling you in the second year. It may be completely different than you imagined your life would be. It's okay. Your life has changed and you have changed and so your purpose and life goals may have changed as well, in fact, I can almost guarantee they will. Find your purpose. </li>
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They say the only way to get through grief is through it. I agree of course. You can't hide from it, you can't run from it, you can't pretend it never happened. It is what it is, and all you can do is move forward, weep, beg and pray that one day it will get better. </div>
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I believe it will. </div>
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Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-67726797475025549622014-09-30T12:45:00.001-07:002014-09-30T12:45:21.395-07:00NastyToday, I am experiencing a deluge of nasty feelings. All of which I have striven to get rid of in my life and heart. They are back today. I feel as though I have lost my serenity. What I am about to say may hurt some people's feelings but, let's face it, this is real, and I am being honest. If you don't like it, then I am sorry that you cannot accept the reality of someone else's perceptions. It is difficult enough for me to admit that I am feeling these things, but here goes, because I guarantee that someone, somewhere, is currently, will in the future or has already felt this way.<br />
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I cannot express how difficult it is for me to maintain a positive attitude at times. I struggle with watching other people be happy. Perfect people, perfect lives, no evident struggle. Perhaps they are better than I at hiding the struggle, or perhaps they have not dealt with their issues and will one day have to face them. In a short time the horrible feelings of jealousy, bitterness, resentment and anger have resurfaced in my heart. There surfaces a longing for things and places I don't have.<br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Somewhere over the rainbow way up high</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Someday I'll wish upon a star</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">And wake up where the clouds are far</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Behind me</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Where troubles melt like lemon drops</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Away above the chimney tops</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">That's where you'll find me</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">If happy little bluebirds fly</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?</span></i><br />
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It is not pretty, but I do know that I must choose to deal with my emotions as they come, and am working to not internalize them. If I let them sit unsaid, it eats me up, and I have decided that I no longer have the time, patience or energy to let my emotions control me.<br />
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You may have money, a great job, have traveled the world. the beautiful house with the white picket fence, external beauty, a loving spouse, 2.5 children and a dog. But, are you happy? Do you know who you are? Have you taken the time to get to know yourself deep down, disregarding the worldly things that surround you and what you physically possess? Do you recognize that none of that matters, and that you cannot take it with you in the end? I tell myself all of these things and I believe them, but sometimes I want those other things too. It's human, it's natural, and I am bitter that I have little of it at times, until I remember that "things" have never made me happy. It's always been loving relationships that have fulfilled me.<br />
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In due time you say? Time is fleeting, in essence, it's already gone. If I am not happy, it's not because I have none of these things. It's because I have chosen to be unhappy with my lot in life by succumbing to the evil green monster of jealousy and all that comes with it. At times, I can see the Wicked Witch of the West coming out in me and it's not pretty. Someone pour water on me so I can melt into nothingness. (Furthermore, even if I was a good witch, a house would just get dropped on me and my shoes stolen by some peppy brat with a little dog.)<br />
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Follow the yellow brick road.. to where? To the land of Oz where there is a giant, beautiful, sparkly castle and a lying man behind a curtain? No thanks. I'll take the little farmhouse in Kansas that is simple and "boring", for it is full of love and therefore has everything I need.<br />
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That's nasty. It's nitty gritty, hardcore emotional stuff. I only hope that someday if you ever feel these things, you remember that even the peppy brat with a dog once longed for a better place, and eventually realized how great her home was. For the record, I forgive the girl, even though she stole my shoes.<br />
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<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-62814505268054119592014-09-13T16:13:00.003-07:002014-09-13T16:17:29.306-07:00LabelingThis week at one of my Zumba classes I had a participant ask me where my boys were. They typically come with me to every class. The conversation proceeded as follows:<br />
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"The boys are at the parade with a friend today."<br />
"Oh, are you married?"<br />
"No, I'm actually a widow."<br />
Shakes head. "It seems like more and more marriages are ending that way these days"<br />
(Realizing that what I had actually said had not sunk in) "Well, this wasn't actually my fault. (I realize some divorces aren't peoples fault either, this is just the vibe I got so I went with it in my response) My husband died of cancer 2 years ago."<br />
"Oh... well I hope you find someone soon.Those boys need a man in their life."<br />
"Yes, and I will someday. I'm taking my time. It's important that I find someone that is good for all three of us."<br />
"Yes I guess that's true. You could end up in more trouble if you are with someone wrong. He must have been young."<br />
"Yes, he was 37."<br />
"Well I hope you find someone really soon."<br />
"Thank you.<br />
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The participant meant no harm at all. But it did get me thinking.<br />
1. I was automatically labeled as a divorcee even after the word widow came out of my mouth. How many people have labeled me without even hearing the word? The label doesn't matter, because I have been divorced before and I am now a single mom, I just find it interesting to think about.<br />
2. Why do I need to find someone soon? Why does society think that it is necessary for a woman to find a man? This explains why I see so many people jump from one man to the next in a blink of an eye. Society has brainwashed us into believing that we cannot take care of ourselves and cannot be whole without a man. That makes me sad beyond belief. Yes, I get lonely and I wish that I could have someone by my side that loves me and my boys and would help with finances and things around the house. But, I refuse to settle for someone I know isn't right. Shouldn't we all do that? And shouldn't society tell us that, instead of telling us to find someone quickly?<br />
3. Yes, my boys do need a man in their life. But they need an amazing one. Again, I refuse to settle for some chump. My boys deserve the best.<br />
4. To all of you out there without someone, please be patient. Go slowly. I promise you that it will be worth it, and that YOU are worth it. Take other people's words and advice with a grain of salt. YOU know what right for you. You know deep down in the inner core of your soul. Learn to listen and trust that still, small voice. I promise it will not steer you wrong.<br />
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Much love.<br />
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-38827124297542373702014-08-21T22:47:00.002-07:002014-08-21T22:47:41.264-07:00Parlez-vous Francais?Despite what you may see looking in, it's still difficult everyday to get up and face what my world has become. It's strange in a way, because it gets easier and harder at the same time. It's easier because I've become accustomed to this new life, it's harder because each day it becomes more real. There are days that I want to put everything in the back of my car and leave here. Sometimes it's overwhelming to be in this town, in this state. I think that if I didn't have responsibilities here I would have done that long ago. Thank goodness for the small things preventing me from making rash decisions. I long for a day that I don't feel like I have to fight and power through my day. You see, I struggle. Every day. Every day. Whether I am smiling when you see me or not, you can count on the fact that my brain has been whiring non-stop and at some point in my day a tear or two has been shed. Sometimes a river of tears threatens to overtake the space I occupy. There are multiple times in a day that I feel as though I am insane. But, in the midst of all of this I try to find solace in the fact that the best things take time and are the most difficult to obtain. Right now I feel so unsure of everything around me. I don't know what my future holds. There is no solid ground on which I can stand and that is very scary indeed. <div>
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Being a mom is hard. Being a single mom is one thousand times harder. Sometimes I want to yell at the the neighbors to mow my lawn while they're mowing theirs. I don't want to be the only one making decisions for my kids. But I have to. I have to do everything. All of it. Their care, my care, the cleaning, the bills, the anything that needs to be done. Sometimes I freak out. Like I'm doing now. Sometimes I just need to talk about it because it sucks and it's hard and it's a job I would have quit on the first day if I didn't love my children. Being an adult is shitty. I will say it again so you can really understand. Being an adult is really shitty. If I sometimes have to take Xanax to get through parts of my day so I don't have a panic attack there is something wrong. This is what trauma does to the body ya'll. The physical effects of those left behind are not ever talked about. Shocker. But, I have discovered that my body's automatic response to many situations has become fight or flight. Anxiety to the core. Even things that make no sense and shouldn't cause anxiety. Yup, there it is. Before you tell me to exercise or try yoga, yes, I do these and they help. This is occurring after all of the stress/anxiety relieving fixes that you want to share with me. I do them already. I don't want to know what kind of hot mess I'd be without these things.</div>
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This is my official I have no clue what the hell I am doing with myself at this point in time and it freaks me out post. No, I don't want your assurance that it will be ok. I know that. Trust me, I do. What I want is for the universe to stop giving me the signs it has been giving me, like the number 11 everywhere, all. the. time and pennies dropping (look up what they mean, I have not the time and energy to explain). No habla espanol. Just put it in writing already universe. In English.<br /><div>
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Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-26053327719178641482014-06-15T18:43:00.001-07:002014-06-15T18:46:09.610-07:00Things No One Tells You About Being a Widow With Kids1. No one actually understands unless they have been through widowhood too. It will frustrate you.<br />
2. You will feel as though everything you know has been ripped out from underneath you. Because it was.<br />
3. You will feel cheated by life. Because you were.<br />
4. You will feel lied to by the powers that be and angry at them too. It's normal and I assure you it will not go away for quite some time.<br />
5. The enormity of the responsibility of being a single parent will overwhelm you at times. It's okay to cry. It's also okay to ask for help.<br />
6. People will try to compare their divorce stories to your spouse dying stories. It is not the same. By any means. They may or may not understand that. Love them anyway.<br />
7. When you stop wearing a wedding ring and you're out in public with your children, strangers will look at your finger and they will judge you. Smile and feel no need to explain. Judgement is their problem, not yours.<br />
8. Many people you love will not know what to say to you and may seem like they don't care. Remember that some people cannot put into words how they feel, and they cannot comprehend your pain.<br />
9. You will sometimes hate "happy" families. Remember that the grass is NOT always greener.<br />
10. You will feel guilty when you find things that make you happy. Remember that your loved one would have wanted you to be happy. Carry on!<br />
11. You will see signs that your loved one is with you. Pay attention. Talk to him. He's listening.<br />
12. Your children will have fond memories of their dad. Cultivate them and soak up their smiles as they remember.<br />
13. Your children will be spiritually more stable than you are. Encourage them and listen to their wisdom.<br />
14. You will have rough days. Especially around holidays. It will blindside you. Be prepared.<br />
15. You will find that your physical health directly affects your mental health. Exercise daily and eat healthy foods. You deserve it and your kids deserve a healthy mother.<br />
16. You will not feel worthwhile. The catastrophe of losing your spouse will make you feel as though you are not enough and don't deserve happiness. You ARE enough. You DO deserve happiness.<br />
17. Nothing will ever be the same.<br />
18. You will never stop loving him.<br />
19. People will expect you to go back to your normal life because they get to go back to theirs. It doesn't work that way.<br />
20. Your job is to take care of your children. Make it a priority. Remember you have to be healthy to be the best parent you can be. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes.<br />
21. You will survive.<br />
22. You will forever be changed.<br />
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-10173567089763487482014-06-07T11:45:00.000-07:002014-06-07T11:45:18.839-07:00Out of the woodworkOver the last year and a half, I feel as though I have been surviving and doing well, but not really doing my very best. For those of you that know me, I usually put 110% into everything that I do. For some things I have been doing that, but not for anything that really puts me in the limelight. I've been trying to hide I suppose as part of my healing process. I have watched others take opportunities that I should have taken, and would have taken on a normal day. Loss has changed me. It has turned my world upside down and changed my view of the world around me. You see, I don't have to take all of the opportunities that are paraded in front of me, because I have something that is more important. My children. They are my real responsibility right now despite what others may see. I only get one chance to raise them and shape them into the men that will all too soon enter the world as adults. I am proud of the little men that they are, and will continue to be there to raise them first hand. If that means that I don't get to perform as much as I would like, or have a grand career, then so be it. All of that will still be there when my kids are older. I am trusting that I am where I supposed to be right now. I may be a widowed mother of two children that now has to start over, but that's okay. I am in no hurry to "find a man" to take care of me. I don't need a man to validate my worth. My worth has already been set my my maker, my children, my family and instilled in me by Rob.<br />
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As I continue this road, I can feel myself reawakening and becoming ready to come out of the woodwork. My inner leader is eager to re-emerge. I know my talents and skill set and am ready to use them. My teaching, administrative and leadership skills are mine to continue to cultivate. This summer I have already traveled to 3 states, trained to be a Zumba instructor and affiliate, became an ambassador for Plexus products and am training with my boys for a 5K. Summer school starts next. Bring it on life. Team Barefoot Bob is ready!<br />
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P.S. If you're interested here are the links for my Plexus site and my Zumba site. If not, disregard this post script :)<br />
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http://danelleeckhart.myplexusproducts.com<br />
http://deckhart.zumba.com/ - I'm not teaching yet but hope to very soon!<br />
<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-54074365468974641102014-04-15T12:27:00.002-07:002014-04-15T18:20:58.915-07:00Tunneling InwardYesterday, I just needed to write. Four pages of writing until it was time to go to class. I am often frustrated at the lack of understanding for the difficult journey I face. Sometimes hearing that I am doing a good job is not enough, when all I want is to know that it will be ok someday and perhaps a hug to accompany it. Sometimes the condescending or blank look I get from people if I'm having a down day frustrates me. Then I remember I am generally surround by less life experienced beings (I'm not convinced all of them are people sometimes, so I'll just call them beings). This is some of what I wrote:<br />
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No one truly understands my angst, my grief, my loneliness. You. You were what I lived for, what I poured my heart and soul into. A life was built with the two of us. Then there were three and four. We fought to make sure we had a world of goodness and security for our children, for each other. One day, one fine day we reached the top. The pinnacle of our achievement together. Then it was quickly stripped away. All of it gone in an instant. I resented that my hard work now had to be put to the side, again. After all, I had given so much of me already. How could it be that I was being asked to give more? I didn't have more for a while. I gave what I could but I somehow felt that it wasn't enough. That I was being selfish to keep doing what I had worked so hard for. Escalation into deeper, darker, sickness where I could not and did not have any other choice but to drop it all for fear that I would miss a single moment with you. But still, the annoyance at me being tired, of me trying to be strong but sometimes failing. And then, you were gone. I stepped out of the room and you were gone. I woke the children, told them of you passing. And then I screamed, my soul screamed and wept from the abyss that had now been formed. I buried you in the ground alone with all of our hopes and dreams. And there they will stay because you are gone.<br />
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Now in the silence I sit and ponder. I see all that I have experienced and to fully comprehend is sometimes still crushing and brings about a sense of hopelessness. But yet in the dark there is still a light, glistening in the fallen tears I cry. The hope that all will be well one day. That my struggle has not been for naught. Seeking to find purpose in this lonely barren place. But I, I think it should be so that I walk this road alone. The vast road that lies ahead is for me and my sons. It is out for the taking. I only can hope that the pain is worth the prize that I hope will be at the end of this dark, deep tunnel or nothingness.<br />
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Sounds dark. It was. It was a time that I was feeling dark, with a latte that was made incorrectly, and weather inappropriate attire. I was cold, and uncaffeinated. Figuratively and literally. It happens. I am dark sometimes and not easily understood. It doesn't mean I'm going to drive myself off a cliff, but it might mean that I need more sleep, alone time and that I may eat my feelings while I regroup. As an introvert, I generally need more quiet and alone time anyhow. My energy reserves are pretty depleted in general due to the enormous amount of stress I have gone through in the last couple of (ten...) years. I have found that I have to keep an careful eye on them, and take the time that I need as I need it, and not after. Self care is something I can say that I am improving in. Point for me.<br />
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Today, after an interesting and enlightening conversation with ma meiullerure amie, I began to read about learning to be alone. I realized that part of my struggle is the loss of Rob, and part of it is process of learning to live alone. Most of my life has been spent living with someone else, whether it be my parents, friends or lover. Although I live with two little people, it is not the same as living with an adult that is capable of taking care of themself. Due to my duties as a mother, I am not often left with real time to myself or solitude. Even if they're gone for an afternoon or evening, it is not enough time for me to decompress and go inward. A trip somewhere, by myself, may be on the horizon. I think it's time I focus on learning to really love myself.<br />
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While reading I also came across a few things. The first was an interesting saying that when you get married you are also signing up to be a widow someday. The second was that most the women writing were significantly older than I, meaning they had overall been married longer, had grown children, and had already had significant time in life to settle into a career etc. Really, the only similarity I share with most of these women is that our husbands died. I wonder how many more facets of this process I will discover as time moves on. Random ramblings of a few days. It may not make sense to anyone, but in reality, this blog is as much for me as anyone else.<br />
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Summer is free to hurry itself along and kick winters behind out of my life. Here's to warmer weather, a correctly made latte, weather appropriate clothes, going inward and the journey of learning to live alone. Namaste.Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-65825099026205881072014-04-05T12:49:00.002-07:002014-04-05T13:07:27.640-07:00Taking It BackI have recently decided to cut the time-suckers out of my life. I opted to cut out Facebook and television. Let's face it, most of us spend too much time with our faces in front of a screen. One of the main things that caused me to think about the time-sucking ability media has in my life was the giant stack of books that I have yet to read in my house. I love to read. I am always getting books from Amazon. Books are everywhere in my house and I long for the day that I have a library in which to put them. As a child, I spent my summers either at the pool or curled up with a book. I would stay up to the wee hours of the morning reading. So much so that my father bought me a book, and jokingly wrote on the inside of the book cover to not stay up too late reading it. In my adult life, I have found that I don't read as much for enjoyment as I used to or even should. Most of my reading is research or homework based, meaning some of the reading is useful to me, but not necessarily exciting.<br />
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It has almost been a week since I cut out the time-suckers. I have been on Facebook twice and half watched an episode of Dr. Who with my sons. Considering the amount of times a day I would check my Facebook or even post, that is a triumph in and of itself. My experience has thus far been interesting. I found that the first few days were difficult. I was so used to getting on Facebook in spare moments or watching Netflix, DVR or the Food Network to entertain me, that I found myself actually craving them. I did not give in, but instead picked up a book instead.<br />
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I wanted to finish reading "The Tenth Insight" by James Redfield. I had started it years ago after reading its prequel "The Celestine Prophecy". I quickly found that I wanted to re-read the prequel because I had forgotten what insights one through nine were. However, before deciding this, I read a few chapters and was struck by some things that I read. There are times in your life where you realize that you were supposed to do things at that moment in time. This is one of those times. Without going into the story, you can read it if you so choose, here are phrases that struck me as I read.<br />
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"We were learning the value of remembering"<br />
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"But faith is a certainty that comes from knowing how things should be."<br />
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"Each person must experience the valley alone. I can't help you now. It's my own vision I must find."<br />
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And again as I began to re-read "The Celestine Prophecy"<br />
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"Working to establish a more comfortable style of survival has grown to feel complete in and of itself as a reason to live, and we've gradually, methodically, forgotten our original question... We've forgotten that we still don't know what we're surviving for."<br />
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"How many people do you know who are obsessed with their work, who are type A or have stress related diseases and who can't slow down? They can't slow down because they use the routine to distract themselves, to reduce life to only it's practical considerations. And they do this to avoid recalling how uncertain they are about why they live"<br />
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So, as I go along this journey of taking back my time, and reaching, grasping and claiming what I know is meant for me, I will expand upon my thoughts. Especially in memorable quotes such as these. Another post to come with my thoughts, but for now, I challenge you to read them again and think about their meaning. We are not just physical beings. One of my favorite sayings is that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Have you forgotten this in your own daily grind?<br />
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I should add that since I'm not on Facebook right now (only to put this link on there), feel free to comment here.Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-83042886885025406492014-03-29T18:10:00.002-07:002014-03-29T18:10:26.945-07:00I wonderSometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to disappear into the wallpaper again.<br />
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I often wonder if there will ever be a time that I don't look at my boys and think of how they have been cheated.<br />
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I wonder if there will be a time when the responsibilities of being a single parent won't at times be suddenly overwhelming and crushing.<br />
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Or if the memories of times past will not unexpectedly overwhelm me when entering a familiar space.<br />
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Or if the unconditional love that I feel from my boys when they wrap their arms around me when I cry or when they walk by me and stop to say, "You look beautiful mom" will last much longer.<br />
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Or if I will always feel that I am floating through life, waiting for it to blow me whichever way I'm supposed to go.<br />
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<br />Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-77380498398221767582014-03-18T19:42:00.001-07:002014-03-18T19:42:31.873-07:00A louder amen has never been heardSingle motherhood. It's been on my ever churning brain a lot lately. For the most part, I feel like I tackle the hardest job of my life with gusto and do a pretty good job at it. But there are times, when I just feel overwhelmed because I know that I can't do it all. I set limits for myself as soon as I began the journey into being a single parent. I know myself, and know that I have a very large tendency to take on too much. My children's activities and my personal activities were whittled down to what was manageable for me. Yes, I have a fantastic network of people who would help me at the drop of a hat, but what I didn't want was to be asking all of the time. So, soccer on Saturdays stayed, the overwhelming task of being the mother of a Cub Scout (and soon to be two Cub Scouts, in 2 different dens!!!!) went. You see, I'm not trying to limit what my children do, but I am trying to keep my sanity, so that when I do bring them to their activities, I'm not a crazy person everyone stares at wondering if I've gone off the deep end. My job situation went from three part time jobs, to graduate school. Less time away from home, less need for a babysitter, but more time studying.<br />
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I try to forgo studying until the kids are in bed so I can maximize my time with them. Consequently, after they go to bed I am exhausted and am ready for bed myself, but, I digress. My bills get paid on time and my house is in good shape and (usually) clean. Sure, there might be a bunch of stuff that needs taken to goodwill and an fair amount of recyclable goods in my garage. My basement could use some more shelves to put "stuff" on. My backyard needs shaping up, and my second car needs sold. But you know what. I'll get to it. It doesn't matter. None of it is vital to my children's well being, or mine for that matter.<br />
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Here comes the part that hurts. It's the things that I can't do for my kids because I am away at school. In all honesty, I have no desire to be a room mother or help with classroom parties. I will send you some paper goods or snacks, but that's about all you'll get out of me, even if I am available. I am taking a moment of silence to say a prayer of blessing for the mothers that do all of the room parent/PTA/whatever other made up organizations they have at the school, stuff.... Amen. The hurt comes from my kids asking me, why don't you do this, or why don't you do that? So and so's mom does. They understand that I can't for the most part, but one of my sons came home the other day and very honestly said "So and so said you won't help with the festival so I can't go". Excuse me? I quickly cleared that up, and it seems to be a misunderstanding, but for a child to say something like that... there had to be some sort of seed planted. That is the kind of thing that hurts, and makes me tear up.<br />
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I am not a perfect mother. I never was. You know what I am is a <i>good </i>mom. I am proud of my amazing children. They are wise and brave beyond their years, and at the age of 40, when I allow them to get married, they will make the women they love very, very happy. I do the very best that I can. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I know my limits, and stick to them, because as every mother should know, single or not, we can't do it all. As the saying goes, do what you can with what you have. A louder amen has never been heard.Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359535679327326233.post-54759348222596584852014-03-05T18:55:00.000-08:002014-03-05T18:56:11.223-08:00For Good<div style="text-align: left;">
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There are people in life that cross paths at just the right time, and whether or not they are physically present, they are always there.</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Upon first reading, most would think of the positive people that have entered into their lives. Most would not then turn their attention to the negative ones. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Today's post is about both. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>I am not a social person and don't find many people I connect with. I'm a different bird. I don't like small talk, I'd rather get down to the meat of who someone really is before entering into a three part conversation that goes something like this: "Hi, how are you?", "I'm good! How are you?", "Good!". End of conversation while first person walks away. I am usually the one to add a fourth part to the conversation, "That's great!" I try not to sound sarcastic, but sometimes it doesn't work. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>That being said, I have wonderful friends. I have small circle of close ones and some are even related to me.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>There comes a time in life where friendships are examined. You find that all are friends, but on varying levels. There are the friends that you can talk to about anything, listen to you no matter what, give sound advice, have fun with and that you know are always there for you. Then, there are the friends that only contact you when they need something, that have to go whenever you start to talk about something important to you, and/or you know you can't rely on. Not that you haven't tried, that person just rarely or never comes through. Maybe they aren't capable of a two sided friendship, because it's not that they don't care about you, they just care about themselves more, or at least that's what you tell yourself. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Friendships examined, lines drawn in the sand, niceties tossed out the window... the exhaustion and disappointment of being in a one sided friendship has to end at some point. Sometimes you have to say no to people who aren't good for you and make them an acquaintance with a history.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The question of why that person entered into your life is then posed. I do not believe in coincidences. Everyone and everything serves a purpose and has a lesson to teach us. Some friendships are in your life for a short period of time, others longer. People evolve, friendships evolve, decisions have to be made not for the person you were in the past, but for who you are today and who you strive to be in the future. No matter how they end up, friendships are always good in the beginning, and all end up for the good somehow.</b></span> </div>
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<b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've heard it said,</span></b></b></div>
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<b>That people come into our lives</b></div>
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<b>For a reason</b></div>
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<b>Bringing something we must learn.</b></div>
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<b>And we are lead to those</b></div>
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<b>Who help us most to grow if we let them.</b></div>
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<b>And we help them in return.</b></div>
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<b>Well, I don't know if I believe that's true</b></div>
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<b>But I know I'm who I am today</b></div>
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<b>Because I knew you.</b></div>
<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Like a comet pulled from orbit<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />As it passes a sun,<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Like a stream that meets a boulder<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Halfway through the wood.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Who can say if I've been changed for the better<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />But because I knew you.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I have been changed for good.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />It well may be<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />That we will never meet again<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />In this lifetime.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />So, let me say before we part:<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />So much of me<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Is made of what I learned from you.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />You'll be with me<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Like a handprint on my heart.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And now whatever way our stories end<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I know you'll have rewritten mine<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />By being my friend.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Like a ship blown from its mooring<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />By a wind off the sea.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Like a seed dropped by a sky bird<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />In a distant wood.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Who can say if I've been changed for the better<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />But because I knew you...<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Because I knew you...<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I have been changed for good.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And just to clear the air<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I ask forgiveness<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />For the things I've done,<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />You blamed me for.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />But then,<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I guess,<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />We know there's blame to share.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And none of it seems to matter anymore.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Like a comet pulled from orbit<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />(Like a ship blown from its mooring)<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />As it passes a sun.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />(By a wind off the sea)<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Like a stream that meets a boulder<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />(Like a seed dropped by bird)<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Halfway through the wood.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />(In the wood)<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Who can say if I've been changed for the better.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I do believe I have been changed for the better.<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And because I knew you...<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Because I knew you...<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Because I knew you<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I have been changed...<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />For good.</span></b></div>
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Danellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04882397249435216358noreply@blogger.com0