Tunneling Inward
Yesterday, I just needed to write. Four pages of writing until it was time to go to class. I am often frustrated at the lack of understanding for the difficult journey I face. Sometimes hearing that I am doing a good job is not enough, when all I want is to know that it will be ok someday and perhaps a hug to accompany it. Sometimes the condescending or blank look I get from people if I'm having a down day frustrates me. Then I remember I am generally surround by less life experienced beings (I'm not convinced all of them are people sometimes, so I'll just call them beings). This is some of what I wrote:
No one truly understands my angst, my grief, my loneliness. You. You were what I lived for, what I poured my heart and soul into. A life was built with the two of us. Then there were three and four. We fought to make sure we had a world of goodness and security for our children, for each other. One day, one fine day we reached the top. The pinnacle of our achievement together. Then it was quickly stripped away. All of it gone in an instant. I resented that my hard work now had to be put to the side, again. After all, I had given so much of me already. How could it be that I was being asked to give more? I didn't have more for a while. I gave what I could but I somehow felt that it wasn't enough. That I was being selfish to keep doing what I had worked so hard for. Escalation into deeper, darker, sickness where I could not and did not have any other choice but to drop it all for fear that I would miss a single moment with you. But still, the annoyance at me being tired, of me trying to be strong but sometimes failing. And then, you were gone. I stepped out of the room and you were gone. I woke the children, told them of you passing. And then I screamed, my soul screamed and wept from the abyss that had now been formed. I buried you in the ground alone with all of our hopes and dreams. And there they will stay because you are gone.
Now in the silence I sit and ponder. I see all that I have experienced and to fully comprehend is sometimes still crushing and brings about a sense of hopelessness. But yet in the dark there is still a light, glistening in the fallen tears I cry. The hope that all will be well one day. That my struggle has not been for naught. Seeking to find purpose in this lonely barren place. But I, I think it should be so that I walk this road alone. The vast road that lies ahead is for me and my sons. It is out for the taking. I only can hope that the pain is worth the prize that I hope will be at the end of this dark, deep tunnel or nothingness.
~
Sounds dark. It was. It was a time that I was feeling dark, with a latte that was made incorrectly, and weather inappropriate attire. I was cold, and uncaffeinated. Figuratively and literally. It happens. I am dark sometimes and not easily understood. It doesn't mean I'm going to drive myself off a cliff, but it might mean that I need more sleep, alone time and that I may eat my feelings while I regroup. As an introvert, I generally need more quiet and alone time anyhow. My energy reserves are pretty depleted in general due to the enormous amount of stress I have gone through in the last couple of (ten...) years. I have found that I have to keep an careful eye on them, and take the time that I need as I need it, and not after. Self care is something I can say that I am improving in. Point for me.
Today, after an interesting and enlightening conversation with ma meiullerure amie, I began to read about learning to be alone. I realized that part of my struggle is the loss of Rob, and part of it is process of learning to live alone. Most of my life has been spent living with someone else, whether it be my parents, friends or lover. Although I live with two little people, it is not the same as living with an adult that is capable of taking care of themself. Due to my duties as a mother, I am not often left with real time to myself or solitude. Even if they're gone for an afternoon or evening, it is not enough time for me to decompress and go inward. A trip somewhere, by myself, may be on the horizon. I think it's time I focus on learning to really love myself.
While reading I also came across a few things. The first was an interesting saying that when you get married you are also signing up to be a widow someday. The second was that most the women writing were significantly older than I, meaning they had overall been married longer, had grown children, and had already had significant time in life to settle into a career etc. Really, the only similarity I share with most of these women is that our husbands died. I wonder how many more facets of this process I will discover as time moves on. Random ramblings of a few days. It may not make sense to anyone, but in reality, this blog is as much for me as anyone else.
Summer is free to hurry itself along and kick winters behind out of my life. Here's to warmer weather, a correctly made latte, weather appropriate clothes, going inward and the journey of learning to live alone. Namaste.
No one truly understands my angst, my grief, my loneliness. You. You were what I lived for, what I poured my heart and soul into. A life was built with the two of us. Then there were three and four. We fought to make sure we had a world of goodness and security for our children, for each other. One day, one fine day we reached the top. The pinnacle of our achievement together. Then it was quickly stripped away. All of it gone in an instant. I resented that my hard work now had to be put to the side, again. After all, I had given so much of me already. How could it be that I was being asked to give more? I didn't have more for a while. I gave what I could but I somehow felt that it wasn't enough. That I was being selfish to keep doing what I had worked so hard for. Escalation into deeper, darker, sickness where I could not and did not have any other choice but to drop it all for fear that I would miss a single moment with you. But still, the annoyance at me being tired, of me trying to be strong but sometimes failing. And then, you were gone. I stepped out of the room and you were gone. I woke the children, told them of you passing. And then I screamed, my soul screamed and wept from the abyss that had now been formed. I buried you in the ground alone with all of our hopes and dreams. And there they will stay because you are gone.
Now in the silence I sit and ponder. I see all that I have experienced and to fully comprehend is sometimes still crushing and brings about a sense of hopelessness. But yet in the dark there is still a light, glistening in the fallen tears I cry. The hope that all will be well one day. That my struggle has not been for naught. Seeking to find purpose in this lonely barren place. But I, I think it should be so that I walk this road alone. The vast road that lies ahead is for me and my sons. It is out for the taking. I only can hope that the pain is worth the prize that I hope will be at the end of this dark, deep tunnel or nothingness.
~
Sounds dark. It was. It was a time that I was feeling dark, with a latte that was made incorrectly, and weather inappropriate attire. I was cold, and uncaffeinated. Figuratively and literally. It happens. I am dark sometimes and not easily understood. It doesn't mean I'm going to drive myself off a cliff, but it might mean that I need more sleep, alone time and that I may eat my feelings while I regroup. As an introvert, I generally need more quiet and alone time anyhow. My energy reserves are pretty depleted in general due to the enormous amount of stress I have gone through in the last couple of (ten...) years. I have found that I have to keep an careful eye on them, and take the time that I need as I need it, and not after. Self care is something I can say that I am improving in. Point for me.
Today, after an interesting and enlightening conversation with ma meiullerure amie, I began to read about learning to be alone. I realized that part of my struggle is the loss of Rob, and part of it is process of learning to live alone. Most of my life has been spent living with someone else, whether it be my parents, friends or lover. Although I live with two little people, it is not the same as living with an adult that is capable of taking care of themself. Due to my duties as a mother, I am not often left with real time to myself or solitude. Even if they're gone for an afternoon or evening, it is not enough time for me to decompress and go inward. A trip somewhere, by myself, may be on the horizon. I think it's time I focus on learning to really love myself.
While reading I also came across a few things. The first was an interesting saying that when you get married you are also signing up to be a widow someday. The second was that most the women writing were significantly older than I, meaning they had overall been married longer, had grown children, and had already had significant time in life to settle into a career etc. Really, the only similarity I share with most of these women is that our husbands died. I wonder how many more facets of this process I will discover as time moves on. Random ramblings of a few days. It may not make sense to anyone, but in reality, this blog is as much for me as anyone else.
Summer is free to hurry itself along and kick winters behind out of my life. Here's to warmer weather, a correctly made latte, weather appropriate clothes, going inward and the journey of learning to live alone. Namaste.
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