Wikky wikky
Hi ya'll.Today is a special day. This would have been my late husbands 40th birthday. Oh the party I was planning. He would have hated this birthday, but would have loved every second of the party with all of his greatest friends and family. Wave hello to him today and sing him a raucous happy birthday if you would.
Today, I bring to you many things that have crossed my mind over the past few years, and especially over the last few months. For those of you that are not aware, I just completed graduate school. I graduated with two masters degrees and a hell of a GPA. I am very proud of all that I worked so hard for. In that time, I was able to start my healing process, because although graduate work is certainly difficult, school is my comfort zone - it is what I do and what I am good at. So going back to school served many purposes, to further my career and be able to provide more for my family as I am now the sole bread-winner, to do what I love in order to be able to get over many personal hurdles, and to provide a sense of stability after our world was turned upside down.
Here is where it gets tricky. There are so many well-meaning people that think they know what I am thinking, what I am feeling, or what I deal with on a daily basis. Sadly, not many people know who I really am. I get a lot of head tilts with the sad. "How are you's". I know that some people think that I went to school to run and hide from what was going on in my life, and that now is the hard time because I have to be a "real" adult now. And that every decision that I make has everything to do with my broken heart, and that I somehow cannot be trusted to make a good decision because of what happened to me. Let's rewind for a minute. Errrrrrrtt. (that's the rewinding sound).
1. I am a widow. But that does not define who I am. That is something that happened to me, but I am still me, and I am the same me that I have always been.
2. I have always been driven. I have always been a high achiever when I really wanted something. This has nothing to do with the death of my husband. It has everything to do with how my creator made me.
3. It is disrespectful to think that I would choose to do anything foolish because I am "distraught" in your opinion. Of course I miss Rob, and it has been horrible to have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. But I did it and will keep doing it.
4. Please give credit where it is due, not by praising me for a job well done, but by trusting in my ability to make a "grown up" decision. I'm 32 and I have been living the "grown up" life for quite some time now, as well as going to school and kicking its tail.
4. Just because you wouldn't or can't do something does not mean that I won't or can't. My life decisions are mine. If I want input I will ask. And even if I ask and you give it, it does not mean I will do what you want me to do. We all know that.
5. My life isn't divided in a BC and AD timeline. Stop acting like it is. It is not the same of course, but is yours the same as it was yesterday? Please stop trying to define who I am personally by circumstances in my life beyond my control.
6. I am not a child. I have children. I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a friend, I am many many other things. But I am NOT a child. Please do not treat me like one. Take off the white gloves.
I am definitely not saying that I want to forget what happened in my life. I never ever will, nor would I ever want to. What I am asking is for people to stop trying to put widows or others that have experienced loss in a bubble of "the poor widow that must weep all day long and can't fend for herself". I KNOW that I am not the only one that has ever felt this way after a loss. I however may be the only one with enough balls to voice it. If you take nothing else from this, please remember this - People are still people no matter what life hands them, and deserve to be treated as people, and respected as such.
Life is beautiful, even after loss. It is. It is different. But different isn't always bad. At some point, everyone will have to deal with loss on some level. Just as the journey through loss progresses, so should the treatment of that loss.
I love you all and am so glad to share my thoughts with you. I truly understand that people care, and want to help. I do. Trust me on that. I am as intuitive as it gets. I suppose I just want to tell you how it is on the other side, how it feels on my end sometimes, and that feeling boxed in or smothered is not a pleasant feeling. Being cognizant of how you approach people and what you say to them can make all the difference. Sometimes, a little hug and "I believe in you" goes a very, very long way.
Thank you for digging down to the nitty gritty of all that is so often overlooked in our society. If you could not already tell, my heart is for changing social injustices, and I believe the treatment and care of those who have lost loved ones is one such injustice.
Much love. What a long, strange trip it's been.
Danelle aka Ruby
Today, I bring to you many things that have crossed my mind over the past few years, and especially over the last few months. For those of you that are not aware, I just completed graduate school. I graduated with two masters degrees and a hell of a GPA. I am very proud of all that I worked so hard for. In that time, I was able to start my healing process, because although graduate work is certainly difficult, school is my comfort zone - it is what I do and what I am good at. So going back to school served many purposes, to further my career and be able to provide more for my family as I am now the sole bread-winner, to do what I love in order to be able to get over many personal hurdles, and to provide a sense of stability after our world was turned upside down.
Here is where it gets tricky. There are so many well-meaning people that think they know what I am thinking, what I am feeling, or what I deal with on a daily basis. Sadly, not many people know who I really am. I get a lot of head tilts with the sad. "How are you's". I know that some people think that I went to school to run and hide from what was going on in my life, and that now is the hard time because I have to be a "real" adult now. And that every decision that I make has everything to do with my broken heart, and that I somehow cannot be trusted to make a good decision because of what happened to me. Let's rewind for a minute. Errrrrrrtt. (that's the rewinding sound).
1. I am a widow. But that does not define who I am. That is something that happened to me, but I am still me, and I am the same me that I have always been.
2. I have always been driven. I have always been a high achiever when I really wanted something. This has nothing to do with the death of my husband. It has everything to do with how my creator made me.
3. It is disrespectful to think that I would choose to do anything foolish because I am "distraught" in your opinion. Of course I miss Rob, and it has been horrible to have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. But I did it and will keep doing it.
4. Please give credit where it is due, not by praising me for a job well done, but by trusting in my ability to make a "grown up" decision. I'm 32 and I have been living the "grown up" life for quite some time now, as well as going to school and kicking its tail.
4. Just because you wouldn't or can't do something does not mean that I won't or can't. My life decisions are mine. If I want input I will ask. And even if I ask and you give it, it does not mean I will do what you want me to do. We all know that.
5. My life isn't divided in a BC and AD timeline. Stop acting like it is. It is not the same of course, but is yours the same as it was yesterday? Please stop trying to define who I am personally by circumstances in my life beyond my control.
6. I am not a child. I have children. I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a friend, I am many many other things. But I am NOT a child. Please do not treat me like one. Take off the white gloves.
I am definitely not saying that I want to forget what happened in my life. I never ever will, nor would I ever want to. What I am asking is for people to stop trying to put widows or others that have experienced loss in a bubble of "the poor widow that must weep all day long and can't fend for herself". I KNOW that I am not the only one that has ever felt this way after a loss. I however may be the only one with enough balls to voice it. If you take nothing else from this, please remember this - People are still people no matter what life hands them, and deserve to be treated as people, and respected as such.
Life is beautiful, even after loss. It is. It is different. But different isn't always bad. At some point, everyone will have to deal with loss on some level. Just as the journey through loss progresses, so should the treatment of that loss.
I love you all and am so glad to share my thoughts with you. I truly understand that people care, and want to help. I do. Trust me on that. I am as intuitive as it gets. I suppose I just want to tell you how it is on the other side, how it feels on my end sometimes, and that feeling boxed in or smothered is not a pleasant feeling. Being cognizant of how you approach people and what you say to them can make all the difference. Sometimes, a little hug and "I believe in you" goes a very, very long way.
Thank you for digging down to the nitty gritty of all that is so often overlooked in our society. If you could not already tell, my heart is for changing social injustices, and I believe the treatment and care of those who have lost loved ones is one such injustice.
Much love. What a long, strange trip it's been.
Danelle aka Ruby
RUBY RUBY RUBY!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Black Water, Keep on rolling..........
ReplyDelete