Being a mom is hard. Being a single mom is one thousand times harder. Sometimes I want to yell at the the neighbors to mow my lawn while they're mowing theirs. I don't want to be the only one making decisions for my kids. But I have to. I have to do everything. All of it. Their care, my care, the cleaning, the bills, the anything that needs to be done. Sometimes I freak out. Like I'm doing now. Sometimes I just need to talk about it because it sucks and it's hard and it's a job I would have quit on the first day if I didn't love my children. Being an adult is shitty. I will say it again so you can really understand. Being an adult is really shitty. If I sometimes have to take Xanax to get through parts of my day so I don't have a panic attack there is something wrong. This is what trauma does to the body ya'll. The physical effects of those left behind are not ever talked about. Shocker. But, I have discovered that my body's automatic response to many situations has become fight or flight. Anxiety to the core. Even things that make no sense and shouldn't cause anxiety. Yup, there it is. Before you tell me to exercise or try yoga, yes, I do these and they help. This is occurring after all of the stress/anxiety relieving fixes that you want to share with me. I do them already. I don't want to know what kind of hot mess I'd be without these things.
This is my official I have no clue what the hell I am doing with myself at this point in time and it freaks me out post. No, I don't want your assurance that it will be ok. I know that. Trust me, I do. What I want is for the universe to stop giving me the signs it has been giving me, like the number 11 everywhere, all. the. time and pennies dropping (look up what they mean, I have not the time and energy to explain). No habla espanol. Just put it in writing already universe. In English.