Wait for it
It has been quite a while since my last post. It's high time that I give you an update. Since my last post, I started working at an amazing school as a music teacher. I do not believe in coincidences, and this job is no such coincidence. I'm not sure anyone understands the connections here, as I have not expressed much except to a select few. So here goes.
There was a time, way back when I was working on my undergraduate degree, that myself and another student missed a deadline for taking the music content test, thereby delaying our student teaching for a semester. Therefore, having no classes left to take, I did nothing but work and hang with my kiddos for a semester. Again, not a coincidence for a few reasons. My son Noah was born in the thick of my undergraduate work and some tumultuous times in my life, therefore, I felt like I never had the chance to truly bond with him. This semester gave us the time together that he and I so desperately craved. My student teaching assignments were also changed. The high school that I was supposed to go to for half of the semester could not take me any longer, and I was placed elsewhere.
The half of the semester that I was at the new high school was one of the most amazing times in my life. I met and was able to work with the choral director there, who became a mentor and friend. I also was able to work with the assistant principal on the musical, as he was the director.
Fast forward to me getting my first job. The school was in the town was where I was supposed to student teach that first half of the semester, and to make matters even creepier, was the name of the school that I had student taught the second half of the semester (which I hated and cried at everyday). I quit that job after one year, as that was the year that Rob passed away and I received an offer for a full ride to graduate school.
The next two years were filled with graduate school. I spent a lot of time with schoolwork of course, but also working through grief, and finding myself again. I had thoughts of quitting the teaching profession all together, and almost purchased a business. After a wrestle with a gut feeling, which I know to listen to, but wanted to listen to my head, I declined the offer to purchase. A few days later I randomly applied for a teaching job. It was beautifully easy to apply as they just wanted my resume and a cover letter, and not the nonsense form that you have to fill out for applications - which has all of the information your resume already has on it. Honestly, that was probably the only reason I applied. I was done filling out applications at the time and had thrown my hands in the air. Teaching had negative connotations to me as my first year was one of the worst years of my life- first year of teaching, and my husband died. Recipe for running away from anything - let alone a profession- at lightening speed.
Wouldn't you know that I received a call the very next day asking for an interview. Surprise! Remember that high school you weren't supposed to be at in the first place and the people you met there? The assistant principal of that high school is now the principal at the one at which you are interviewing. Another surprise! Your name had been mentioned the night before in text messages between your mentor and he in the search for a music teacher.... before your application was even submitted.
Needless to say, the interview went well. I am there now, and sometimes I forget that I have been placed there. No coincidence. I am still, and will probably always struggle in some way, but each day is a little more normal, and I am less afraid of my own genius. This is my biggest struggle right now - teacher fails, when I know better and could have prevented it. It is also, reminding myself that this is not the year of teaching that was so traumatic for my family, but a new, and better place and that my profession has nothing to do with what happened in my personal life. It may seem silly to anyone else, but the brain makes connections like this after trauma, and whether or not they are unfounded does not matter.
As a side note, I read an article about finding happiness after loss the other day. I haven't been able to figure out why happiness still seems to avert me sometimes, and I realized that in the times when I am unhappy, it is because I am subconsciously trying to go back to my old life, a feat which just cannot occur. So what things change, and what things stay the same? Where is the balance? I'm working on it, and I'll let you know when I figure out.
The real question is, if I could go back, would I really want to? That's a discussion for another day.
There was a time, way back when I was working on my undergraduate degree, that myself and another student missed a deadline for taking the music content test, thereby delaying our student teaching for a semester. Therefore, having no classes left to take, I did nothing but work and hang with my kiddos for a semester. Again, not a coincidence for a few reasons. My son Noah was born in the thick of my undergraduate work and some tumultuous times in my life, therefore, I felt like I never had the chance to truly bond with him. This semester gave us the time together that he and I so desperately craved. My student teaching assignments were also changed. The high school that I was supposed to go to for half of the semester could not take me any longer, and I was placed elsewhere.
The half of the semester that I was at the new high school was one of the most amazing times in my life. I met and was able to work with the choral director there, who became a mentor and friend. I also was able to work with the assistant principal on the musical, as he was the director.
Fast forward to me getting my first job. The school was in the town was where I was supposed to student teach that first half of the semester, and to make matters even creepier, was the name of the school that I had student taught the second half of the semester (which I hated and cried at everyday). I quit that job after one year, as that was the year that Rob passed away and I received an offer for a full ride to graduate school.
The next two years were filled with graduate school. I spent a lot of time with schoolwork of course, but also working through grief, and finding myself again. I had thoughts of quitting the teaching profession all together, and almost purchased a business. After a wrestle with a gut feeling, which I know to listen to, but wanted to listen to my head, I declined the offer to purchase. A few days later I randomly applied for a teaching job. It was beautifully easy to apply as they just wanted my resume and a cover letter, and not the nonsense form that you have to fill out for applications - which has all of the information your resume already has on it. Honestly, that was probably the only reason I applied. I was done filling out applications at the time and had thrown my hands in the air. Teaching had negative connotations to me as my first year was one of the worst years of my life- first year of teaching, and my husband died. Recipe for running away from anything - let alone a profession- at lightening speed.
Wouldn't you know that I received a call the very next day asking for an interview. Surprise! Remember that high school you weren't supposed to be at in the first place and the people you met there? The assistant principal of that high school is now the principal at the one at which you are interviewing. Another surprise! Your name had been mentioned the night before in text messages between your mentor and he in the search for a music teacher.... before your application was even submitted.
Needless to say, the interview went well. I am there now, and sometimes I forget that I have been placed there. No coincidence. I am still, and will probably always struggle in some way, but each day is a little more normal, and I am less afraid of my own genius. This is my biggest struggle right now - teacher fails, when I know better and could have prevented it. It is also, reminding myself that this is not the year of teaching that was so traumatic for my family, but a new, and better place and that my profession has nothing to do with what happened in my personal life. It may seem silly to anyone else, but the brain makes connections like this after trauma, and whether or not they are unfounded does not matter.
As a side note, I read an article about finding happiness after loss the other day. I haven't been able to figure out why happiness still seems to avert me sometimes, and I realized that in the times when I am unhappy, it is because I am subconsciously trying to go back to my old life, a feat which just cannot occur. So what things change, and what things stay the same? Where is the balance? I'm working on it, and I'll let you know when I figure out.
The real question is, if I could go back, would I really want to? That's a discussion for another day.
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