Neverland

"For in the mind of man lies the secret of his ability to resist, to conquer and finally to govern the circumstances of his life." - F.M. Alexander

When I was a child, I wanted to be like Peter Pan and never grow up. I always considered four to be the perfect age. Imagination was at its peak, school responsibilities were non existent, someone took care of all of my needs, and the world was still a beautiful, magical place. My primary purpose as a four year old was to learn about the world around me through experiential play.

In some ways, we never grow up. There are parts of us that still believe in the magic that we so desperately want to believe exists. We pretend with our children that Santa brings them gifts, the Tooth Fairy brings money for lost teeth, the Easter Bunny brings eggs and candy, and the Elf on the Shelf really does move all by itself and tells Santa everything they do. There was a time when we believed these things too. I remember when I was told that Santa was not real. A small part of my sparkle was drained from me in that moment.

As adults, we still use our learned lessons from experiential play as children. Most frequently, we pretend, just as we did when we were children, but in a more "adult" way, in the form of denial. Everyone has been in denial at some point in their lives. I know many people who live their entire lives in denial of the world that is around them. They are easy to spot. They exhibit blank looks when something disturbing to them is seen or said. They cannot process any sort of negative emotion from themselves, and especially not from others. Perhaps they are not fully equipped to deal with the sadness and evil in the world, so these become their minds defense mechanisms. That is not for me to say or judge, only to observe.

I have experienced denial in my own life many times. I am especially good at convincing myself that something isn't really happening. Perhaps it's my acting background, or the extensive pretending as a child. The body naturally goes into "fight or flight" mode when something traumatic happens to it. It is the same with the mind. In a way, denial is a form of both of these things. It is the mind building a wall to prevent mental breakdown, and allowing the victim to keep sane and functioning. It is also the mind retreating into itself and trying to hide what is real.

Much of the time Rob was sick, was filled with denial. Don't get me wrong, I knew what was happening. I knew every step of the way, and I felt the pain of it. But there was so much pain that it was overwhelming, and my mind stepped in and sheltered me from the enormity of it. This is how I survived. How I took care of my husband when he was sick, took care of my children, kept working, kept breathing. My brain learned to function that way, and did so for a very long time, even after he was gone. When I could feel it trying to return to "normal", I helped it retreat by distracting myself with various things. After a traumatic experience, I think people are so mentally tired of negative emotion, that they pretend like everything is okay, almost like it never happened, and falsely convince themselves of their happiness. It makes it easier that way, for a while at least. But, there comes a time when all of the things that were distracting and brought you happiness, fade away. This is the time where you begin to emerge again. It's painful at first, finally really feeling all of those emotions, and you feel like you can't handle the pain. But all of a sudden, you can breathe again, and your brain has indeed processed everything that has happened without you realizing it had. Then, you can once again take the wheel and learn to drive again.

There is a difference between the mind protecting itself from harm, and people pretending they don't see, hear or comprehend. The later is disingenuous, and in my mind a form of weakness that can be corrected, but requires effort, so most will never try to correct it. It is easier to retreat into childhood, go Neverland and pretend that pixie dust and happy thoughts will make you fly than to face the reality of a non-dream state. The truth of the matter is, we only have control of a few things in our lives, mainly ourselves. How we deal with the circumstances around us, no matter if a portion is being trapped in the mind, the portion that is free can be dealt with and conquered. Allowing ourselves to be free enough to dig deep inside, examine the darkness and replace it with light, is when healing begins and goodness begins to reemerge.