Regaining sparkle
"The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."
I recently watched the movie The Great Gatsby. There was much within it that certainly intrigued me, but this quote... it's beauty, simplicity and truthfulness, resonated with me more so than anything else. I remember feeling that exact way, for a large portion of the time that Rob was sick. There were times when waves of loneliness overwhelmed me. Although I was surrounded by people who loved and cared for me, it was not their company that I desired. All I wanted was for things to be normal again. To sit on the couch and watch our "shows", to share the details of our daily lives, to sneak a secret smile. In the moments that I was struck by the reality of it all, there were many times that all I could do was stare blankly. I did everything that I knew to do of course, but in the end none of it mattered. My efforts fell on a disease ridden body that was incapable of being healed. In those moments were the complex feelings of grief, guilt, loneliness and impending abandonment.
Abandonment? How in the world does that feeling creep in? After all, it wasn't his fault that he was sick, and he certainly did not want to leave this earth. This is all very true, but the feelings of abandonment still remained for quite some time. Grief is a complex beast, and so many unforeseen emotions rear their heads in this time. There was a time where I did feel abandoned, not by Rob, but by the God that I had trusted to heal and restore my family. I trusted, believed and prayed that ultimately, the God that I served would come through. I believed for a miracle all the way to the end. When none of what I perceived to be best happened, the desolation of my soul, the bitterness, and denial began. It took some time in denial for it to surface. I was so used to smiling and telling myself that everything would be okay, that my brain had to have ample time to shift. After all, how do you transition from being full of hope one day, to being consumed by unsavory thoughts the next. I don't know the answer, but I do know that it happened to me. It came and went. There were days when I was fine and I had accepted what fate had dealt. Then there were days of utter disbelief and despair, where I was grasping for some sense of understanding. I cannot explain how it feels to be engulfed in the depths of despair, I can only say that I felt unable to breathe, extreme physical and emotional pain and was either incapable of emoting or was overflowing with tears.
Strangely, my favorite movie was a source of hope in a strange way. In The Princess Bride, Wesley tells Buttercup, "Life is pain highness, anyone who says differently is selling something." It served as a reminder that we do, in fact, live in a fallen world. As much as we would like to think that our perception of what our lives should be is correct, none of it is in our control. Where there is joy, there is sorrow. They are sisters that cycle through our lives, seemingly apart, but always together.
Learning to trust again is my next challenge. Remembering that what will be, will be. That it is what it is. That life is not all unicorns and rainbows, and no one ever promised it would be. If Jesus' life was full of sorrow, and pain, what makes me think that mine would be exempt. But, also remembering that with sorrow, comes joy. Somehow, you find it again and it's the little things that help you remember what joy is. The smiles and excitement on my boys face as Christmas draws near, their hugs, kisses and voices telling me they'd do anything for me, when someone finds you and rejoins your life even after you push them away, the unending love and support of family and friends, it's all coming back in these moments. Staring blankly is no longer a part of my life. I see beauty in those blank moments, they are like canvases, just waiting to be painted with something spectacular. And maybe a little sparkle on top.
Abandonment? How in the world does that feeling creep in? After all, it wasn't his fault that he was sick, and he certainly did not want to leave this earth. This is all very true, but the feelings of abandonment still remained for quite some time. Grief is a complex beast, and so many unforeseen emotions rear their heads in this time. There was a time where I did feel abandoned, not by Rob, but by the God that I had trusted to heal and restore my family. I trusted, believed and prayed that ultimately, the God that I served would come through. I believed for a miracle all the way to the end. When none of what I perceived to be best happened, the desolation of my soul, the bitterness, and denial began. It took some time in denial for it to surface. I was so used to smiling and telling myself that everything would be okay, that my brain had to have ample time to shift. After all, how do you transition from being full of hope one day, to being consumed by unsavory thoughts the next. I don't know the answer, but I do know that it happened to me. It came and went. There were days when I was fine and I had accepted what fate had dealt. Then there were days of utter disbelief and despair, where I was grasping for some sense of understanding. I cannot explain how it feels to be engulfed in the depths of despair, I can only say that I felt unable to breathe, extreme physical and emotional pain and was either incapable of emoting or was overflowing with tears.
Strangely, my favorite movie was a source of hope in a strange way. In The Princess Bride, Wesley tells Buttercup, "Life is pain highness, anyone who says differently is selling something." It served as a reminder that we do, in fact, live in a fallen world. As much as we would like to think that our perception of what our lives should be is correct, none of it is in our control. Where there is joy, there is sorrow. They are sisters that cycle through our lives, seemingly apart, but always together.
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.And how else can it be?The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."But I say unto you, they are inseparable.Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. " - Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Learning to trust again is my next challenge. Remembering that what will be, will be. That it is what it is. That life is not all unicorns and rainbows, and no one ever promised it would be. If Jesus' life was full of sorrow, and pain, what makes me think that mine would be exempt. But, also remembering that with sorrow, comes joy. Somehow, you find it again and it's the little things that help you remember what joy is. The smiles and excitement on my boys face as Christmas draws near, their hugs, kisses and voices telling me they'd do anything for me, when someone finds you and rejoins your life even after you push them away, the unending love and support of family and friends, it's all coming back in these moments. Staring blankly is no longer a part of my life. I see beauty in those blank moments, they are like canvases, just waiting to be painted with something spectacular. And maybe a little sparkle on top.
Comments
Post a Comment