Nasty
Today, I am experiencing a deluge of nasty feelings. All of which I have striven to get rid of in my life and heart. They are back today. I feel as though I have lost my serenity. What I am about to say may hurt some people's feelings but, let's face it, this is real, and I am being honest. If you don't like it, then I am sorry that you cannot accept the reality of someone else's perceptions. It is difficult enough for me to admit that I am feeling these things, but here goes, because I guarantee that someone, somewhere, is currently, will in the future or has already felt this way.
I cannot express how difficult it is for me to maintain a positive attitude at times. I struggle with watching other people be happy. Perfect people, perfect lives, no evident struggle. Perhaps they are better than I at hiding the struggle, or perhaps they have not dealt with their issues and will one day have to face them. In a short time the horrible feelings of jealousy, bitterness, resentment and anger have resurfaced in my heart. There surfaces a longing for things and places I don't have.
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?
It is not pretty, but I do know that I must choose to deal with my emotions as they come, and am working to not internalize them. If I let them sit unsaid, it eats me up, and I have decided that I no longer have the time, patience or energy to let my emotions control me.
You may have money, a great job, have traveled the world. the beautiful house with the white picket fence, external beauty, a loving spouse, 2.5 children and a dog. But, are you happy? Do you know who you are? Have you taken the time to get to know yourself deep down, disregarding the worldly things that surround you and what you physically possess? Do you recognize that none of that matters, and that you cannot take it with you in the end? I tell myself all of these things and I believe them, but sometimes I want those other things too. It's human, it's natural, and I am bitter that I have little of it at times, until I remember that "things" have never made me happy. It's always been loving relationships that have fulfilled me.
In due time you say? Time is fleeting, in essence, it's already gone. If I am not happy, it's not because I have none of these things. It's because I have chosen to be unhappy with my lot in life by succumbing to the evil green monster of jealousy and all that comes with it. At times, I can see the Wicked Witch of the West coming out in me and it's not pretty. Someone pour water on me so I can melt into nothingness. (Furthermore, even if I was a good witch, a house would just get dropped on me and my shoes stolen by some peppy brat with a little dog.)
Follow the yellow brick road.. to where? To the land of Oz where there is a giant, beautiful, sparkly castle and a lying man behind a curtain? No thanks. I'll take the little farmhouse in Kansas that is simple and "boring", for it is full of love and therefore has everything I need.
That's nasty. It's nitty gritty, hardcore emotional stuff. I only hope that someday if you ever feel these things, you remember that even the peppy brat with a dog once longed for a better place, and eventually realized how great her home was. For the record, I forgive the girl, even though she stole my shoes.
I cannot express how difficult it is for me to maintain a positive attitude at times. I struggle with watching other people be happy. Perfect people, perfect lives, no evident struggle. Perhaps they are better than I at hiding the struggle, or perhaps they have not dealt with their issues and will one day have to face them. In a short time the horrible feelings of jealousy, bitterness, resentment and anger have resurfaced in my heart. There surfaces a longing for things and places I don't have.
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?
It is not pretty, but I do know that I must choose to deal with my emotions as they come, and am working to not internalize them. If I let them sit unsaid, it eats me up, and I have decided that I no longer have the time, patience or energy to let my emotions control me.
You may have money, a great job, have traveled the world. the beautiful house with the white picket fence, external beauty, a loving spouse, 2.5 children and a dog. But, are you happy? Do you know who you are? Have you taken the time to get to know yourself deep down, disregarding the worldly things that surround you and what you physically possess? Do you recognize that none of that matters, and that you cannot take it with you in the end? I tell myself all of these things and I believe them, but sometimes I want those other things too. It's human, it's natural, and I am bitter that I have little of it at times, until I remember that "things" have never made me happy. It's always been loving relationships that have fulfilled me.
In due time you say? Time is fleeting, in essence, it's already gone. If I am not happy, it's not because I have none of these things. It's because I have chosen to be unhappy with my lot in life by succumbing to the evil green monster of jealousy and all that comes with it. At times, I can see the Wicked Witch of the West coming out in me and it's not pretty. Someone pour water on me so I can melt into nothingness. (Furthermore, even if I was a good witch, a house would just get dropped on me and my shoes stolen by some peppy brat with a little dog.)
Follow the yellow brick road.. to where? To the land of Oz where there is a giant, beautiful, sparkly castle and a lying man behind a curtain? No thanks. I'll take the little farmhouse in Kansas that is simple and "boring", for it is full of love and therefore has everything I need.
That's nasty. It's nitty gritty, hardcore emotional stuff. I only hope that someday if you ever feel these things, you remember that even the peppy brat with a dog once longed for a better place, and eventually realized how great her home was. For the record, I forgive the girl, even though she stole my shoes.
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