Gratitude

Gratitude.

It' s something I have wrestled with in the past month. I've had a hard time seeing past my own pain and loneliness, and was focusing on what I don't have rather than what I do. I was reminded by someone I care about that this too shall pass, that it's only a temporary feeling. Just remembering that, helped me to get my head out from the covers that I was hiding under. Only then, did I start to remember all of the wonderful things that I do have in my life. My boys are beautiful, intelligent, kind and healthy. I have a fantastic support system in my friends and family. I have an affordable place to live that is a great size for the three of us, and in a safe town. My kids attend a wonderful school, and are surrounded by people who genuinely care about them while they are away from me.  I have the great honor of working on my Master's degree. For free. Yes, there are things that I don't have anymore that I greatly miss. But, I am so very, very grateful for what I do have now. I am blessed. I've had it so much worse, and I really couldn't ask for more. Except being allowed to sleep in on Saturdays and no more snow. That would be nice. :) 

As a side note, I would like to make it clear that I often post things that I am not necessarily feeling or struggling with at the moment. Sometimes, they are, like today. But, many of the things I write about are things that I have thought about for some time, but do not reflect my current feelings. For all of those that worry, you don't need to. Part of my goal with this blog is to talk about feelings/ideas that normally aren't, mostly because it makes most people uncomfortable. I want those who have experienced what I have, or who will in the future, to know that it's okay. All of it, the good, bad and ugly. It's all normal and a process that I believe is absolutely necessary for healing. Pretending that everything is ok, is not okay. Wrestling with the real and oftentimes nasty and dirty is the only way to be reborn after a tragedy. Our own ugliness and our own mortality are certainly not pleasant things to think about, but like it or not, it's part of life. All of it. No one said life was easy or pretty. Oh yes, it can be at times, but it is not always, and dealing with that in a very real way is so very very normal and healthy. I am grateful for the ability to feel deeper than most, because believe me, the way that you view the world changes, you see it for ALL of it's beauty. The ugly becomes beautiful because it is REAL and worth something. Hardship brings about change for the better, but only if you let it carve you and mold you. So, today I'm grateful for all that I have, good and bad. Continue to bring on the painful tools for carving and molding, I know that it too will pass, and I will emerge better for it. 

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