Send me on my way

Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, this is a sign, and you know it! I mean, the universe is screaming at me right now, how can you of all people have come to ignore that?

Ted Mosby: Because maybe it's dumb to look for the signs from the universe! Maybe the universe has better things to do. I mean, dear God, I hope it does. You know how many signs I've gotten, that I should or shouldn't be with someone? And where has it gotten me? Maybe there aren't any signs. Maybe... maybe a locket's just a locket, and... a chair's just a chair. Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing. And maybe we don't... Maybe we don't need the universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that. Deep down.

I've been thinking. I know, surprise, surprise. It's been a rough month for me. Feeling like I have no grounding at all, like I'm floating through life, in an unhappy and very sad manner. I've experienced horrible anxiety to the point of feeling like I was going to die. In the last two years, my life has been turned upside down and shaken for all of the loose change in its pockets. I often wonder how everything I have experienced in my life (it's a lot, more than most know) will all work together in the end. All of the pain had to be for something, right? All things work together for good for those who love Him, right? I hope so. I've been piecing together my next steps in this crazy, often absurd, world that we live in. So far I have found that, the things that I thought would make me happy, don't. I went to school for Music Education. Did I like it, yes, sometimes, but there was always something missing. I was a good teacher, yes I will pat myself on the back for that. I'm good at management and administrative duties. I've always been a "why" asker, and an intuitive person able to tell at first glance if there was something out of the ordinary with someone, or if someone needs a different way to do something in order to understand, and I intuitively know what to do to help them. I've always been the one people come to for advice, and they usually end up telling me more than they meant to. I've always been one to figure out why people do the things they do or why they are feeling the way they do. Mental illness, emotional disturbance, learning and behavioral disorders, anything psychology...fascinating. Natural health, dreams, equally as fascinating. Music, theatre, dance and visual art and its ability to heal, and what it says about the human condition and the history of mankind, love it all. So, I continue to search for a profession that will utilize all of my skills. I have an idea, and it will require some change, but in the end, it would be worth it.

Change is coming. A move is coming. I can feel it in the air, I can feel it compelling me to come. I can see the signs. But, being a widow is scary in ways that others do not understand. When it comes to changes in life, I am now the only one responsible. There is no one else to ultimately help me make that decision. What I decide affects not only me, but my two boys. Do I keep everything the same, and be safe, yet miserable? Or do I follow my gut, which is always right, and follow the winds of change into the unknown. In the end, I'm the grown up, a big girl, capable of making an informed decision, and that, my friends, is scary. It's one more step towards a future that I cannot see through my windshield yet, and one step away from the past I still see in the rear view mirror. A past where it was all figured out. Until it wasn't. Now lists are made, steps are being taken, prayers are being said. I'm ready to see what this road holds. Send me on my way. Walking, running, flying or driving, I'm going.